My pitas page

Wots yer pirate name, matey?
I am Black Charity Kidd. Shiver me timbers.

Bush Family Values
A few skeletons in this family...

Bush liberates Europe
Yes, we do so need to be more like America, don't we? And I am the Queen of England. (scroll down for article).

All hail Anita Roddick!
Hear hear! and God help America...

Get your very own origami boulder!
...and don't believe everything you see on the internet...

Dubya-Speak
What a Wanker.

Get your heavy metal name!
I am Seeping Dungeon. Lovely. Marianne, in case you don't know yet, you are Decrepit Obsession. Good one.

The Very Secret Diaries...
...of the LOTR characters. Find out what really goes on in their minds...

Get your Middle-Earth name!
If you are a rabid LOTR fan (that's Lord of the Rings to the un-initiated), you might like this. In middle-earth I was a Beautiful Balrog (yuck), my Elven name is Pennhothiel, my Hobbit name is Tanta Bunce from Yale, my Dwarven name is Nain Elfteeth, and my Orkish name is Bubzag the Grim (good one!).

Ashcroft's failures deserve a hearing
The Antichrist is here, and his name is John Ashcroft.

Baby Panic?
I'll let this one speak for itself. I am glad someone finally came out and said it.

New Element Found!
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium." Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead, undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referenced to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

The Millionth Circle
One woman's proposal for peace in the middle east...

Dave Barry, Funnyman.
Dave Barry on the oscars and The Sound of Music. Oscars? Yes, I know I'm a bit late, but it is funny.

What 80's Hair band are you?
I am Bon Jovi (with Quiet Riot and Twisted Sister in second and third place).

Finns on baby strike
Ladies, we could fix the whole world. I think it was a group of turkish women who took an even more drastic step, by denying all their men sex, until the village plumbing was improved. Naturally, the plumbing was upgraded in record time. Let's see how this latest protest works.

You might be from New Mexico if...
· You think the dirt and the houses should be the same color. · When it rains, you stop to watch. · You encourage your children to play in the rain so they won’t be afraid of it if they ever move to another state. · You run from your house to join people who gather at bridges over arroyos to watch the water (and other things) rush down to the Rio Grande after a summer thunderstorm (assuming there will be summer thunderstorms). · You think a red light is just a suggestion. · If red lights are only suggestions, yellow caution lights are insults to your family name. · You never use your turn signal. · You don’t complain about the spring wind, you brag about it. · You use the expression “I’ll cross that bridge when they build it.” · You went Downtown once but you can’t remember when or how you got there. · When they raised the speed limits and threatened to enforce them, you lost an average of 11 mph on the commute. · You might drive like a maniac, but you still don’t honk because it’s rude – and also you might get shot. · You think four-wheel-drive makes a difference on a 1-inch sheet of ice spread across pavement. · You think “snow flurry” is an ancient Mayan incantation translating roughly to “Close the schools.” · You have become a jaded hot air balloon cynic – but every October you still stop to look up. · You can hook up a swamp cooler in less than a day. · You never tire of Old Town Plaza on Christmas Eve. · You are certain that the most profound statement ever uttered by a politician was when then-Governor Toney Anaya pronounced New Mexico to be a “banana republic.” · One day it occurred to you that even banana republics have their good points, and you’ve been here ever since. · You have a piece of a spaceship displayed on the mantle piece in your home. · You can actually hear the Taos Hum. · You know what people are talking about when they ask: “red or green?” · You stop at the drive-in liquor store on the way home from the bar.

The OK page
Not great, just OK.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Possibly my most deranged offering yet. Rated NC-17 for language and references to male genitalia. If you are under 18, go away.

Krista's Kuotes
Some real gems in here...

Mr. Nice
Meet Mr. Nice. If you are really nice (snort), he might even dance for you...

The Happy Page

Soulholders Inc.
Let's face it. Have you ever seen or used your soul? Would you miss it if you no longer had it? In exchange for parts or all of your soul, the founder and CEO, the dark lord himself (BWAHHAHAHAHAHA!), offers several plans for the fullfillment of your wildest dreams. Amongst his clientele you will find such satisfied customers as Bill Gates and OJ Simpson. Health warning: Not suitable for devout christians and people who have had Humourectomies (delicate procedure by which a person's sense of humour is surgically removed).

Dancing Bush
Exquisite.

The Insanity Test
It will come as a surprise to practically no one. I am legally insane.

Hear and see Ashcroft sing!
My friend and correspondent Marianne first broke the news of this frightening event on her website. Now I bring you the actual terrifying footage of this ghastly moment! Ears are bleeding all over the world. Not for the faint of heart.

More New Mexican stupidity...
(31 March 2000, New Mexico) Edward had some trouble when he attempted to steal a utility trailer from the Home Depot store in Albuquerque. He drove in and hitched a trailer onto his Toyota pickup, then drove off quickly - only to crash on Griegos Road. He then returned to the home improvement store and hitched up a second trailer, then drove off - only to have it come loose and crash 75 yards away from the first stolen trailer. Deputy Sheriff Scott Baird noticed the two trailer on the side of the road, and stopped to investigate. Just then, Detective Bill Webb said, Edward "drives by with the third stolen trailer, and the fender of the trailer clips the deputy's patrol car." A 25-mph chase ensued; the leisurely pace set by Edward, who ""probably knows that trailers at high speeds don't stay on very well," Webb elaborated. The would-be thief was finally pulled to a stop, arrested by Albuquerque police officers, and charged with three counts of motor vehicle theft. Hurrah for Edward! If all criminals had a modus operandi as feeble as his, the species would die out from an excess of convictions. (4 March 2000, England) In a related incident, two homeless men stole a car, a Vauxhall Astra, in a multi-story car park. Their luck was short-lived. They rammed the vehicle though the safety barrier on the 9th floor, and their trajectory described a 42-foot parabolic arc before crashing into the concrete below.

Some New Mexican stupidity...
...brought to you by the folks at darwinawards.com. I was unable to link directly to the story, so I linked to the homepage instead (well worth it). I actually remember this incident. The two boys thought they could jump the gap Dukes of Hazzard style. They didn't actually remove themselves from the gene pool in the process, which makes them inelligible for a Darwin. They got an Honourable Mention though...Here it is: (1 July 2000, New Mexico) Two young men driving a dark-blue two-door vehicle removed a barricade festooned with numerous warning signs indicating bridge closure, drove past several heavy construction vehicles, and launched themselves off the end of a demolished bridge in Albuquerque on Saturday. The car careened across a roadbed of unpaved I-beams before plunging 30 feet and burying its front end in a dirt embankment at the junction of I-25 and I-40. The young men were taken into police custody unharmed. A spokesman for the state Highway and Transportation Department isued a public plea for common sense. "Don't go through those barricades. Find another route. It's the only safe thing to do." The seat belt law is strictly enforced in New Mexico, but unfortunately there is no law against stupidity.

Turn Granny into compost...
What a sensible idea! (I am serious).

The Ninja Burger experience
You WILL enjoy this site, or you must commit seppuku! They are hiring now, so if you value your life, apply for a job NOW.

What would Judas do?
This website sets out to explain (quite convincingly, in a tongue-in-cheek manner), why we should all be followers of Judas, instead of Jesus. Do take a look around, it is quite hilarious and wonderfully irreverent. The motto for these followers of Judas is 'Stop. Look. Think. Betray.' Anyone who feel particulary pious and has had their sense of humour surgically removed should perhaps refrain from visiting this site. You have been warned.

Enron's new voicemail message
For a good laugh...

The Electric Christian Rapture Test
Once in a while it is good to be reminded that the world is awash with phenomenally stupid people...

The CloudBlog
Bonjour y'all. Welcome to my weblog. I nicked this idea off my good friend Marianne, as it is a fabulous way of getting news about life in the desert Southwest to those who had no clue there was any life in the desert Southwest. New Mexico is a surreal place to live (ever seen Jesus in a tortilla? Or bought 'blessed by Jesus' watermelons? You can do all that and more, in the Land of Enchantment). To give you the beginning of an idea of what it is like to live in New Mexico, I leave you with this quote: "Every calculation based on experience elswhere, fails in New Mexico" Lew A. Wallace, Territorial Govenor, 1878-1881. I will also be posting bits and pieces that I find interesting and/or noteworthy. Enjoy (or not).